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The "Some Gays Should Stay in the Closet!!" Offensive

17 Jun

Now before you get your sequined panties in a wad and hit speed dial on the local Idaho Gay Rodeo Association so you can send them over to simultaneously kick my ass and redecorate my boudoir, let me clarify my position:

I am NOT a homophobe.

Gay people do not scare me in the least!

Well, OK, between you and me, I’m pretty sure that Chastity, er, Chaz Bono could flatten me like a pancake with one punch, especially now that the male hormones are kicking in, but that’s beside the point. For the most part, I think gay people are rather harmless and a few are even somewhat adorable!

Like these guys:

Don’t look at me like that. You didn’t know that Elmo is a flaming sodomite who frequents the Continental Baths everytime he is in NYC?! He’s still adorable, either way.

So is the Adam Lambert lookalike waiter who serves me pancakes at the local IHOP:

I know! Isn’t he as cute as a gerbil at the end of a rainbow leash at the Folsom Street Fair??

Heh.

I bet the IGRA dudes wouldn’t mind taking an 8 second ride with him or Anderson Cooper at the ‘all you can eat, all night rodeo buffet of love’, if ya know what I mean and I bet at least one of them has some ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ anal beads in the top drawer of his Edland nightstand:

Hooyah!

Well, for him.

:/

The problem is, the adorable ones aren’t getting as much media attention as the unadorable ones, and I am really frigging tired of seeing these half naked freaks everywhere I turn nowadays:


OK, that last one wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that:

A. He has tits.
B. He has cellulite.

Ughhhh!!!!

Now you tell me, why can’t the gay cowboys of the IGRA or Anderson Cooper or Elmo or my Adam Lambert lookalike waiter from the IHOP be on the cover of GQ, or give birth, or get arrested while wearing a woman’s bathing suit, instead?!

I mean, I could totally be even more tolerant of them half naked.

Especially the gay cowboys. I’m sure if I called up the IGRA and asked, they would oblige:


Hooyah again!!

(This time for me.)

(Well, and them.)

:/

Oh well, at least I still have Rammstein to look at. They make up for all the half naked gay freaks out there:

They like to pose half naked in flaming sodomitish poses, even though they really aren’t gay.

They just fake it.

No, seriously!

Pfft… I bet they don’t even own any ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ anal beads, or anything.

:)

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  • Kat
    I take offense that my man Anderson is gay! Doesn't matter, I am certain I could get him to change teams, if only he'd lift that restraining order....might be difficult to do from a distance of 100 feet........lol
  • If it was not for sex, Men and women would probably live as two separate species!
  • I do love those cowboy shots
  • Excuse me while I go google "'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads"... just out of curiosity, of course...
  • Not only have the anal beads recently become available in the U.S., but this Christmas check your local Walmart for "Fisting Me Big Bird."
  • Who but a genius could put Tickle Me Elmo and anal beads in the same sentence?

    You have me wondering, is his face on each bead? Do they make a giggling noise?
  • First time reading, LMAO!
  • Fascinating..
  • Don
    I am personally offering a free castration to rapist and gays. No, I'm not saying they are anything alike. I'm just saying that if'n ya ain't gonna use 'em the right way, then, in my book, ya don't need to use 'em at all.
  • If you are interesting in anal beads , please visit the page sinlesstouch.com.
  • They could go back in the closet if it wasn't so crowded with the likes of Tom Cruise and Kevin Spacey. I did NOT say Dave Matthews. You're welcome.
  • I don't think Elmo is gay. I recall seeing something on YouTube where a life size "Fondle Me Elmo" was going to engage in some unspeakable activities with an attractive blond woman.

    Ernie & Bert on the other hand are completely out of the closet.
  • Isn't 'tickle me Elmo' and 'anal beads' redundant?

    Maybe that's just in my house.
  • Love it!
  • Dear god I'm going to have to sedate Mr.Man and dress him in some of those chaps!
    While they "appear" to be somewhat flamboyant, I think they're kind of sexy.
    It makes me want to yell, "GIDDEEYUP!"

    Elmo...violent masturbator...he done rubbed all the fur off it.
  • Admit it Chelle. You hate fags ;)
  • I think it's Diddle Me Elmo (or maybe that's the old ladies version) Yeah, the preg gay irritated me as well - especially since it wasn't a miracle at all due to the fact that the "guy" used to be a "girl" and the "girls" procreation plumbing still worked...LOL
  • Elmo has anal beads?? :-D Who knew??... um... where can I get some??.... shhhhh
  • Thanks for ruining my appetite for dinner. Ugh.
  • I can't believe you like Rammstein. They are so GAY! ;) Okay, I actually like them too...hey, not THAT way.
  • Those Tickle me Elmo Beads are a big seller, I guess.
  • Sacha Baron Cohen isn't gay.PLEASE DON'T LET HIM BE GAY! He my most recent celebrity crush!!
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