The "I am Smarter and You are Going to Hell!" Offensive

No offense, but I can’t help it that that’s how I think, because I’m an INTJ and it’s how we roll.

OK, I know what you’re thinking and no, INTJ does NOT stand for “Incredibly Narcissistic Troublemaking Jesuslover“!!

Well, I suppose it could in my case, because I am all of those, but that’s beside the point. Or is it besides the point?

Hmmm….

Anyhoo, the point is, I took this fancy psycho babble test a while back, mostly because it popped up while I was watching rodeo clown porn, so I clicked it during intermission to amuse myself, and lo and behold!

Yep, it told me what I already know – that I am a cold, calculating vixen who does not cry at movies (especially those annoying sappy ones like Titanic, or Schindler’s List, or Saving Private Ryan) because I prefer more Intellectual fare like Silence of the Lambs or Hannibal or the Antiques Roadshow or Future Weapons or Forensic Files or…

It also means that I iNtuitively know who the biggest asshole scammer from Nigeria in the room is and it pretty much guarantees that I’ll spend my entire life Thinking up methods of acquiring the weapons of mass domination, much like my fellow INTJ’ers who I’ve listed here (especially the ones in BOLD):

(these are actual INTJ people)

* Angela Lansbury – actress (Murder, She Wrote)
* Arnold Schwarzenegger – actor, Governor of California
* Arthur Ashe – tennis champion
* Augustus Caesar – Roman Emperor
* C. Everett Koop – former U.S. Surgeon General
* C. S. Lewis – apologist, author (The Chronicles of Narnia)
* Calvin Coolidge – American President
* Charles Rangel – politician, decorated war veteran
* Chester A. Arthur – lawyer, American President
* Chevy Chase – actor, comedian
* Dan Akroyd – actor, comedian, musician
* Donald Rumsfeld – former U.S. Secretary of Defense
* Dwight D. Eisenhower – American President
* Edwin Moses – Olympic gold medalist
* General Colin Powell – former U.S. Secretary of State
* Greg Gumbel – TV sportscaster
* Hannibal Barca – Military Commander
* Ivan Lendl – tennis champion
* James K. Polk – American President
* Jane Austen – author (Pride and Prejudice)
* Joan Lunden – Journalist
* Josephine Tey – English author
* Katie Couric – journalist
* Lance Armstrong – cyclist (seven Tour De France wins)
* Maria Shriver – journalist, wife to Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Martina Navratilova – tennis champion
* Michael Dukakis – former Governor of Massachusetts
* Orel Hershiser – baseball player (pitcher)
* Pernell Roberts – actor, activist
* Peter Jennings – journalist
* Raymond Burr – actor (Perry Mason), vintner
* Rudy Giuliani – former New York City mayor
* Sir Isaac Newton – Astronomer
* Susan B. Anthony – civil rights leader
* Thomas Jefferson – American President
* Veronica Hamel – actress
* William F. Buckley, Jr. – journalist
* William J. Bennett – politician
* Woodrow Wilson – American President
* General Ulysses S. Grant – Union general, American President
* Friederich Nietzsche – philosopher
* Niels Bohr – physicist
* Peter the Great – Russian tsar
* Stephen Hawking – astrophysicist
* John Maynard Keynes –
* Lise Meitner – chemist
* Ayn Rand – philosopher, author
* John F. Nash Jr. – mathematician, game theorist
* Norbert Wiener – mathematician, founder of cybernetics
* Nikola Tesla – physicist, engineer, inventor
* Glenn Gould – Canadian pianist and composer
* Stanley Kubrick – film director (2001: A Space Odyssey)
* Jean-Paul Sartre – philosopher
* Erik Satie – composer, pianist
* Helmuth von Moltke – German military general
* Isaac Asimov – biochemist, science-fiction author (I Robot)
* Theodore Kaczynski – infamous “Unabomber”
* Lewis Carroll – author, logician, mathematician
* Franz Kafka – author

(these are fake INTJ people)

* Calvin – Calvin and Hobbes
* Cassius – The Tragedy of Julius Caesar
* Clarice Starling – Silence of the Lambs
* Batman – Batman Begins
* Dexter – Dexter’s Laboratory
* Dr. Jonathan Crane – Batman Begins
* Dr. Otto Octavius (Doc Ock) – Spiderman 2
* Ellen Ripley – Alien
* Ensign Ro Laren – Star Trek: The Next Generation
* Ernst Stavro Blofeld – James Bond
* Gandalf – Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit
* George Smiley – John Le Carr character
* Hannibal Lecter – Silence of the Lambs
* Jigsaw – Saw films
* Marsellus Wallace – Pulp Fiction
* Michael Corleone – Godfather
* Mr. Burns – The Simpsons
* Mr. Darcy – Pride and Prejudice
* O-Ren Ishii – Kill Bill Vol. 1
* Phileas Fogg – Around the World in Eight Days (novel and film adaptations)
* Professor Moriarty – Sherlock Holmes antagonist
* Sherlock Holmes
* Reed Richards – the Fantastic Four
* Stewie Griffin – Family Guy
* Tom Hagen – Godfather
* V – V for Vendetta
* Vicious – Cowboy Bebop
* Victor von Frankenstein
* Vito Corleone – Godfather
* Willy Wonka – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I know, they are all like me!! Especially that psycho bastard, Norbert Wiener.

How cool is that??!!

Oh! Being INTJ also means that I prefer to hang out alone in my secret, underground, Armageddon bunker and spend hours thinking about how I just know that everyone is beyond salvation and doomed to hell where they will fry like crispy bacon for all of eternity due to their moral corruption and failure to live up to my great expectations, regardless of what God himself thinks.

Well, except for me, of course.

I’m going to live in heaven for all eternity because not only do I live up to my expectations, but I exceed them!

Plus, no offense, but I love Jesus WAY frigging more than you do.

Way.

More.

More often, too, and in a wide variety of morally compromising positions.

Hooyah!!

It’s true!

Just ask him:

See??

Now, if you are thinking to yourself, “Damn, Chelle B., that sounds just like me except my taco truck guy is named Pedro – we could be fraternal twins!” then I’d have to say that you are probably wrong because no one is like moi so get over yourself, loser!!

OR, you, too, are, indeed, an INTJ, and we can plot world domination together!!

Yay!

Otherwise you are probably one of those other people who cry at movies and fall for Nigerian scammers and like to hang out in large groups (much like lemmings do) and want to join the UN and hug trees and save humanity and deprive me of my God-given right to use my secret, underground, Armageddon bunker to its full potential (urgh!!!!!!!!) and because of this are doomed to hell for all eternity to fry like a piece of non-INTJ bacon!!!!!

Sorry, I don’t mean to Judge.

You can click here and find out if you’d like.

If you are an INTJ, I mean.

Heh.

I already know you’re going to burn in hell!!

Duh.