The "Get Over It!!" Offensive

Here is some food for thought for you, taken from NewsByUs:

The biggest problem with political correctness is its net effect on society. People don’t talk to each other anymore because someone told them that they have a right to not be offended, ever, over anything, even if offending them is the right thing to do.

We’re not supposed to use terms like “winner” anymore, because “losers” find the term offensive. We’re not supposed to talk about such antiquated terms as “right” or “wrong” because in a politically correct open society, there is no such thing, and to suggest that there is might offend someone, namely the wrong.

Well.... as you may or may not know, this whole "Fear of Offending" plague is exactly why I started this blog to begin with! So, I thought I would take a moment to dedicate the following song to anyone who might subscribe to that politically correct bullshit up there.

Enjoy:

"Get Over It" by The Eagles

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little
fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since
you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession
every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child
and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

:)

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The "I'll Never Go Green Again!!" Offensive

Hey, no offense to all you eco-friendly do-gooders out there, but I give up! I will just never be as good as you are at this stuff.

Ugh.

Don't give me that look.

I really wanted to be eco-friendly, and believe me and it wasn't cheap when I went out and bought some of these for my secret eco-friendly greenhouse:


Yep, they were well worth the investment, too, because with all the money I made from the *ahem* increased productivity of my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse I built twelve more secret, eco-friendly greenhouses and upgraded to one of these:


That's right!!

And my eco-friendly humanitarian efforts didn't stop there, either!!

In fact, I wanted to help poor, out of state hunters with bad aim to not go home empty handed, so I graciously allowed them to pay me $1,000 per person to pose with all the dead geese that were hapless victims of my freakishly large, yet highly eco-friendly windmill:



Oh yeeah.

All of this eco-friendliness was really paying off for me for quite a long time, too, until I found out that those harbingers of eco-friendly light that they call compact fluorescent bulbs would work even better for my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse operation:


Oh, they worked great until I accidentally tripped on the way out of my secret greenhouse one day and broke that stupid #$%^ing burned out bulb you see up there in that picture.

Ugh.

Yep, and I knew that even in it's unbroken, burned out form it needed to be disposed of properly, like the hazardous non-eco friendly waste that it is, but once it was broken and leaking all of those deadly toxins all over the floor of my greenhouse...

Well...

I panicked!

You see, I had forgotten that the only Hazmat response team in my little Idaho town also happens to be Jesus and his cousin Pedro:


Yeahhh.

Oh, believe me, I WOULD have called them, but uh, well...

Let's just say that I told him that I stopped buying his sticky, imported "incense" from the taco truck because my glaucoma was cured, but really, I had just collected enough seeds and was growing my own.

I know.

He would have been sooooo pissed!!!!

Anyhoo... like I said, I panicked.

It is all a blur to me now, really, but I think I may or may not have jumped into my not-so-eco-friendly monster truck and I may or may not have knocked over one little telephone pole on the way out of town:


OK, that's not exactly the truth.

I may or may not have jumped in my truck and knocked over all of my secret greenhouses and my illegal windmill/goose hunting operation on the way out.

Wellllllll... and one of the flaming arms of my illegal windmill may or may not have landed three blocks over and may or may not have cut through the gas main and lit it on fire:



Hey, you don't have to lecture me!

I am fully aware that that sort of thing is not eco-friendly!! Believe me, that was the worst of it.

Then again, it may or may not have gotten much, much worse than that, now that I think about it.

OK, it did get worse.

Ugh.

Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that one little severed gas main MAY or may not set off a chain reaction that may or may not have made Yellowstone erupt spontaneously:


I'm no frigging geologist!

My neighbors are always pissed at me anyway, so screw them if they can't appreciate my failed humanitarian and eco-friendly efforts.

:(

Hey, at least I survived it all, along with my monster truck, a pocket full of sticky "incense" seeds and my favorite eco-friendly restaurant:



Yeah, I do miss Jesus and his tacos, but it's all good.

Eventually another guy named Jesus will immigrate up here with his taco truck, and then I'll sell him MY sticky, homegrown "incense".

:)

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The "Hey, I'm Busy, Dammit!!" Offensive

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an official Offended Blogger message from your hostess:

Hey fellow offenders!

I am working on my new website Humor Bloggers dot com, (you can see the beta version at http://www.humorbloggers.homestead.com ) so if I don't answer comments or publish high quality Offensives over the next few days, you'll know why.

Hooyah!!

Not only would I love some feedback on the new project, I also didn't want you to think that I am ignoring you on purpose! Between me and you, despite all of the cruel and unusual things I say about you behind your back, I am actually quite fond of erm, well most of you!! :)

Anyhoo, if you are a fellow Humor Blogger and you would like to have your blog listed at Humor Bloggers dot com, please email me at offendedblogger {at} gmail {dot} com for details on how to apply and I will fill you in on what the site is going to be all about, and what awesome things will be available to all of the members when it is officially launched on August 15th!!

There are only 16 spots left, and I am only accepting high quality, ORIGINAL blogs for the site, so don't wait, claim your space now while you still can!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The "Expose Your Indecency While You Still Can!!!" Offensive

Ummm so no offense if you are a lawyer, but I think Shakespeare was right. We need to kill all the frigging lawyers!! Why? Well, I just found out that a ruling from the Supreme Court in South Dakota could set a dangerous precedent which could affect the right of every American citizen who enjoys the freedom to partake in a bit of "victimless" indecent exposure!!

See for yourself:

From Channel News 4 in South Dakota:

The South Dakota Supreme Court says state law does not require the actual presence of an offended victim to convict someone of indecent exposure....

I know!!

This is fascism run amok, I tell you!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY against indecent exposure where there are hapless victims, and I fully support the right for these types of offenders to be arrested, denied a trial, and executed by firing squad at dawn:


But come on, they deserve that sort of swift justice!!

The ones I feel sorry for are like these poor, innocent, unsuspecting skinny dippers who are, as we speak, trapped in legal limbo somewhere outside of Pierre because of this insane new law:


What the hell are they supposed to do??

Stay in the lake and... die??

Ugh!

Plus, you and I both know how abusive and corrupt our police can be! I'm sure they will totally show favoritism toward exposures of indecency who victimize innocent bystanders so long as they look like this:



Ugh.

How frigging fair is that to the rest of us??

And you know it won't stop there, either. The next thing you know, they'll be targeting innocent McDonald's flashers:

Obviously, Ronald McDonald likes it, so what's the big deal?!!

Hey, and what about my own brother who lives in South Dakota and enjoys a bit of victimless flashing every now and then, himself??

Let me tell you, his dog is mighty damn happy that he goes out there and pees on the trees with her every morning, and I do not believe he should be punished just for trying to bond with his little Mookie Pie.

Ugh.

Frgging fascists.

To be honest, I'm glad that I live in Idaho, where we are still pretty much free to commit victimless crimes any time, day or night.

In fact, in honor of my oppressed and suppressed South Dakota brethren, I think I am going to head out and moon all the tourists heading up to Yellowstone right now, before those fascist bastards strip me of my right to moon the public!!

Don't worry, I got some sun while I was out sunbathing and streaking naked through the neighborhood earlier today, so my ass is nice and tan.

Hooyah!!

:)

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The "My Offensive Dream Sketchbook" Offensive

So no offense to all of you hardcore Seinfeld fans out there, but I had a rather offensive dream about Cosmo Kramer last night.

Seriously!!

It was really frigging bizarre, too, and NO, it wasn't a sex dream!!

Well, actually it was a sex dream, but I wasn't having sex, I was just watching. Er, I mean I was watching Kramer explain his sexual escapade from the night before to Elaine and Jerry.

Yep, and as soon as I woke up I grabbed my sketchbook and drew a picture of what I saw in my dream and I scanned it in to my computer to share with you:

Hey, I never said I was a professional artist!!

:p

Anyhoo, I was flipping through more of the things that I drew in my dream sketchbook and found some other ones that I thought you might enjoy.

For instance, there was this one:


Ha!

Don't ask me why my subconscience went there, I mean I know that in reality he would never say that!

Well, not outloud at least!!

The same goes for this next one, he'd never admit it if this was the truth:


Heh.

I'm sure he'd find a way to spin his way out of that one though, right?

Right.

Sadly, I didn't too well drawing this next one, but hopefully you can tell who it is:

No, that's NOT Pat Robertson, that's David Letterman.

Ugh!!

They don't even look at all alike.

Oh, but I did draw one of Pat Robertson after this really weird dream I had of him just this last week:

Yeeeeahhhh right.

I know it is just wishful thinking, but I'm still hoping that one will come true.

Between you and me, I bet this next one will come true, though. Just wait for the next meeting of the Fed, you'll see:


You know, lately I've been thinking of liquidating my own assets and buying a one way ticket to Greenland! I hear the weather there is much like it is here in Idaho.

Hey, if I do go, you are welcome to come and use my monster truck to chase tourists and grizzly bears, and eat some tacos at the taco truck and hang out in my air-conditioned, titanium reinforced bunker until I come back!!

Cuz you are my #1 fan and I am nice like that.

Just don't eat all the food I have stored in my bunker, dammit!

:)

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The "Caption This/Wordless Wednesday!" Offensive

?????

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The "Christmas Puppies for Muslims!!" Offensive

Well apparently years of caber tossing, eating sheep intestine and going commando under their kilts has taken it's toll on the mental state of my Scottish brethren. Taken from The Scotsman news online:

A POLICE force has apologised over concerns that an advertisement featuring a German shepherd pup could be offensive to the Islamic community.

That's right.

A puppy!!

Ugh.

What in the world is wrong with these people?!! Don't they grow up hoping for a puppy under their Christmas tree like the rest of us??

Honestly, just take a look at the little cutie pie that they supposedly found so damned offensive:



I know!!

That is like the cutest puppy EVER.

Well, OK, technically my puppy was wayyyyy cuter than that:

But still! He is pretty damn cute!!

Now I could understand how it MIGHT offend them had he looked like this:


And between you and me, I could really understand how they could be offended had he looked like this:


Heh.

Which is ridiculous because come on, admit it, that is one adorable Jewish puppy right there. I'd name him Mozel Tov if he was mine!! :)

Anyhoo, nobody would even stop to question those easily offended Islamist's right to be offended if the postcard would have had this dog on it:


Blech!! That would offend even me!!

But, noooo, it wasn't any of those, so they have no legitimate excuse.

You know, I feel bad because I bet there is some little Muslim kid out there right now who secretly prays to Allah every night, wishing he would bring him a puppy for Christmas:


Yeah.

Poor little guy! :(

You know, I really wish that I could do something to help little jihadists like him to have their wishes fulfilled at Christmas.

Hmmm.

Hey!! I bet my Fatwa friends would help me start a Christmas Puppies for Muslims foundation!

Those crazy bastards will do anything for me:


Yep, we'll put a puppy under every frigging Muslim Christmas tree out there. They'll be soooo happy and soooo busy cleaning up dog shit that they won't have time to be soooo offended.

Hooyah!!

It will be a great tax write-off, too. :)

Of course, I'll need some puppies to get started and I might as well give one of them my neighbor's dog, George while I'm at it, since he STILL comes over and pisses on my grass and digs up my flowers.

Ugh!!!

Friggin' George.

Hmm. Maybe I'll just strap a suicide vest on George's ass and detonate him next 4th of July, instead.

:p

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The "Why I Can't Be A Catholic" Offensive

So recently I was invited by a friend to attend services at the local Catholic church. Of course I declined, and I think I may have offended my friend in doing so.

I know. :(

But in my defense, he's the one who put me on the spot so I had to come up with something, and I certainly didn't want to tell him that I just don't need any church to fulfill my needs because I fulfill my own needs quite nicely and quite often, thank you very much.

Hey!

Don't give me that look!

I meant I fulfill my needs by going to see Jesus at his taco truck every day and playing with the church sign generator!

Ugh.

You are such a perv!

Anyhoo, instead of just being blunt with him in order to spare his feelings, I quickly came up with my 5 best reasons that explain why I can't be Catholic. I don't think he bought them:


1) What if the priest is really good looking?


I mean, I have only kneeled before a man for one reason and one reason only and I'm not sure I would be able to do it for any other reason, especially for anything to do with God.

That would just feel wrong!!!

2) I have looked but still haven't found a patron saint of blogging:

How could I take worship seriously if I don't have a patron saint watching over me and my blog??

3) The pope scares the shit out of me every time I look at him!


Honestly, if I didn't already suspect either myself or Google as being the antichrist, he'd be right up there at the top of my list!

*shudders*

4) I would feel obligated to tell them EVERYTHING during confession:


Yep, and I don't want to be responsible for the psychological damage that I may or may not bestow upon some poor, unsuspecting bastard who had the misfortune of being assigned to the confessional chamber on the day I decided to drag my ass to church!!

Ugh.

The guilt would be a heavy burden for me to bear.

5) They might suspect me if I become possessed and cause 'evil things' to happen:



Hey, I can't guarantee that I won't become demon possessed and start stabbing priests with golden crucifixes or drowning them in vats of holy water, can I?!

I mean, it is the Catholic church.

Think about it, in every single movie where there is demon possession, who is right there in the middle of it?

That's right!

Poor bastards.

6) Did I mention that the pope scares the shit out of me??



*shudders again*

:p

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